Facing Fear

This week, I did something a little out of the ordinary for me when I decided to share out loud on Facebook, just how frustrated and horribly stuck I was feeling in my life. 

I received a lot of emails and calls from my friends, concerned about my well being, worried about whether I was going to ‘unravel’ publicly and if I would live to regret sharing my deepest, darkest fears because I couldn’t take those comments back.

Oh, trust me, I had thought long and hard about that before pushing the send button! The truth was this block had been building for some time, I could feel it snow balling.  The Universe had seen fit to challenge me about my deepest Wish ~ living my happiest, most authentic life  ~  which meant both getting married and sharing The Wish work around the world. 

It was time to look, and I mean really look, at where I was not being fully authentic.  And for me, it was the world of intimacy.

Intimacy isn’t about having a great sex life, as most of society would have us believe. Intimacy is about being seen for who we really are (In–To-Me–See). This means being open, and dare I say it, a little vulnerable.  I had the uncomfortable realisation that it’s much easier to be in your head when you are teaching this stuff, as opposed to being in the feelings and living it on an emotional level. 

All of a sudden I found myself in the hot seat, and I’ve got to tell you, it’s been tough! 

As my partner Stedley says, if you want to succeed at anything in life, the first rule is to never give up.  Having the courage to embark on the journey (from your head to your heart) is one thing.  For me the hardest part is staying with it. So I played my Wish on line and let people see me for where I was at. Having to stay with the feelings almost killed me.

Vanessa, one our Wish facilitators asked me the million dollar question:
“what is it about the feelings that brings up the fear?”

My first reaction was I honestly don’t know. What is this fear about and does it matter? The fear itself may in the end be an illusion, but as I am going through it, as I am now, it sure as hell feels real!

It wasn’t until I sat with the heaviness of the fear and sadness that my answer came. I’m scared of losing the love. The truth is it never mattered enough before. I never cared about someone this much before. 

I learnt something about myself this week. Living my happiest life is about being open and honest, and that means being prepared to feel vulnerable at times.

I know I’m not there yet, but I’m beginning to experience the real freedom that comes from being emotionally authentic. 

Louise